The Happy Musician Coach I recently read about a survey done on musicians' fears. The top three fears among musicians were Underperformance, Embarrassment, and Rejection. Embarrassment was number one for me, it was fueled by comparing myself to others. Fear of Failure/Success was number two. These fears have a significant effect on performing artists yet, I feel like many of us don't talk about them. I used to feel like I was the only one struggling with these fears, and as long as I worked hard like everyone else I would avoid them. That was partially true. What I also needed was to know that I wasn't alone in what I was dealing with. Why are we afraid to talk about our fears? I believe it's hard talking about our fears because it brings attention to emotional wounds we're not quite sure how to treat. if I get a cut, I know what to do. If I'm embarrassed, rejected, and feel like I let fellow musicians down. How do I treat that? I treated it by giving myself permission to talk about my fears and be vulnerable Being vulnerable is where I not only found strength; I found healing. The empathy I encountered from other musicians was also a big part of that healing. I learned that when we're open and honest about our fears. It's important to meet it with empathy. We shouldn't fear embarrassment and rejection because of our fear of embarrassment and rejection. It's a vicious cycle. "Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly." - William Shakespeare I've come to enjoy the conversations I have about fears and anxiety with musicians. Statements like "I feel so much better talking about this," "Why have I never discussed this with anyone?" and "OMG, you feel that way too!" are what stay with me. It's like applying emotional Neosporin and cushions at the same time. I'm pumped and ready to face my fears again. Remember; fear is not bad, but too much can poison your potential. Even if you've never heard it from a musician, know that all of us are dealing with the same fears you are, and together we can work through them. If you're suffering from anxiety, please, consult a doctor. Join My Group Coaching Session This Thursday Candace Lark Musician, Coach, Educator Learn More ⬅ Join the group

The Happy Musician Without vision, you're blind to your potential. Vision does not have to be some huge grandiose thing. But if you want to meat a goal. you need to have a vision. What is vision? Vision is a clear, specific, slightly out of reach, yet realistic view of a goal. It's so real that you can almost taste and feel it. It's not a dreamy blur of what could be. It's a finished picture of what you are working to achieve. It's a bright, crisp picture you see every day. A vision is a picture of exactly what you want, why you want it, and when you want it to happen. Why you need vision: Vision breaks through limitations: when you see something so clearly that it is a reality for you, limitations will be gentle little speed bumps on the way to your goal. Vision gives you an Identity: Who are you? What do you stand for? Why are you doing this? The answers to these questions are (and should be) in your vision. Before I understood this. Vision is the GPS to your Goal: Every time you make a decision, check your vision. Ask yourself, is what you're doing in line with your end goal? Is this taking you off your desired path? Vision Lets you see into the future: Vision is a view of your desired future. The challenge is to be able to project yourself into a future that you have little or no reference point. You can imagine it but, it's difficult to envision it. For example, I imagined myself helping other musicians be happy, but until I envisioned it my progress was almost nonexistent. How to create your vision Think about what really matters to you. Not what should matter, what does matter. Write down your secret passions and dreams. Ask yourself what qualities would you like to develop. List your values. What issues do you care about? List What’s special about you. Think about the legacy you want to leave behind. So, how can I help make your vision a reality? "You need desire to be fully alive and you need vision to fulfill your desires." - Danielle LaPorte Candace Lark Musician, Coach, Educator Learn More ⬅ Join the group

The Happy Musician Coach Fall has arrived and with it the uptick of concert and festival season. While you're out here playing your hearts out just wanted to remind you of why you are awesome. You help fulfill a basic need for human survival: If we learned anything from the pandemic, it's how necessary music is. Musicians help construct a place of sanctity for the mind and soul. Playing an instrument relieves stress: I chuckle at this because being a musician can be quite stressful. Thank God playing it lowers stress. Honestly, I do feel pretty good after playing. You can communicate without moving your lips: (unless you're a vocalist) You use an inanimate object as a conduit to express emotion. Did you know that musical expression is one of the most intimate forms of communication? You're smarter than your counterparts: In a six-month study co-ordinated by DIYS.com, the world’s largest DIY community, 4,694 volunteers chose a new hobby to take up during coronavirus lockdown. Among the chosen hobbies were knitting, exercising, and learning an instrument. The highest IQ increase came from the music-makers, averaging a score increase of 9.71 percent. (ref: classical fm) Musicians are great problem solvers: According to the researcher at the University of Grenada, musicians have higher neural connectivity than non-musicians in the default mode network, the nodes of which play a key role in higher cognitive processes. Higher cognitive processes refer to activities requiring major brain activity such as, for example, taking important decisions or solving daily problems. You're kind of a superhero: You have this object that shoots invisible rays that can help people with Alzheimer's remember, and people with dementia return to the present. You can wield it to control one person or masses of people. I could go on but I don't want to blow your cover. You're always in a constant state of learning: There s is always something to learn not just about music but about ourselves. I don't know about you, but music has taught me a lot about myself. You working on something you love. What's that saying? "If you do what you love, you'll never work a day in your life" I agree with that about 98% of the time. If 2% of the time it seems like work., life is pretty darn good. “Music is by far the most wonderful method we have to remind us each day of the power of personal accomplishment.” - Chris S. Salazar Candace Lark Musician, Coach, Educator Learn More ⬅ Join the group

The Happy Musician Coach In my early years, I relied on my gigs and performing to make me happy, and it almost killed me. The way my mindset was operating, I wasn't happy unless I had the most and best gigs. If my music stand and calendar were overflowing, so was my self-worth. What was wrong with that? It's what I love doing right? On top of all the performing I was teaching (or trying to). I started running late for lessons and double booking. It was hard for me to ignore, but I tried. When things got stressful I would just look at my packed calendar and music stand for a quick confidence boost. It was during one of these boosts, I was contracted for a well-known Christmas Concert. I thought, oh my God It's a privilege to be contracted by this group, I would be crazy to say no. So, I didn't. I convinced myself, that I just needed to prioritize. At the first rehearsal, I was completely exhausted. The rehearsal went ok but, not well. So, I worked even harder. the second and third rehearsals were great. I never made it to the fourth rehearsal. I had pushed myself so hard, that I ended up in the hospital. I had strep throat and pneumonia in addition to being an asthmatic I ended up in the ICU. My (very concerned) parents had to deliver the news to the director that he lost his harpist, and cancel all my holiday performances (there were a lot). I have never been so sick or scared in my life. I was out of commission for four weeks. During those four weeks, I was forced to take stock and understand how I got to this point. Ironically it ended up being a really great Christmas spent with my family. The problem was, that I didn't know what my purpose was. I had wrapped up my self-worth in my instrument. I realized I wasn't living my life, I was chasing it at mock speed in every direction. It wasn't sustainable and I was forced to really think about what type of musician I wanted to be. For the first time, I thought about my happiness outside of gigs and performances. It took me some years to figure things out. but, the first thing I did when I got better was to say no. In fact, I took 6 months off from performing and just taught and played my harp. I learned to be happy while figuring out my purpose. If your self-worth with is wrapped up in your gigs and performances and you have no real direction; hit the pause button. Don't wait until you are in the hospital requiring medical assistance just to breathe. Figure out what you really want, seek out guidance, and make a plan. Discovering your purpose is the most significant thing you will do in your life, and you, your loved ones, and the world will be better off because you went on this journey - Mastin Kipp, Claim Your Power Candace Lark Musician, Coach, Educator Learn More ⬅ Join the group

The Happy Musician Coach I have various strategies to help you be a happy musician but, I wanted to give you a quick guide you could refer to help get you started. After you have read the quick guide, dig into the Happy Musician Strategies and see how you can build on this guide. I have also included a printable version of this guide. (see below) Choose to focus on the present When you are present you can truly appreciate what you have, you will thrive as a musician and create meaningful connections. When you choose to be grateful for the present, your future will become brighter. Journal Before or after practice write down what you are grateful for and what makes you happy. Redirecting your attention to gratitude helps clear the mind and allows you to be in the present. Watch what you say “Self-talk” -- is the conversation you have in your head about yourself and the world around you. Work at it, positive self-talk is like learning a new piece. At first, it's slow and uncomfortable but after practice, it becomes a part of you, and you will barely need to think about it. Accept compliments At your worst, say thank you, at your best, say thank you. Compliments are a way of a person showing gratitude and appreciation at that moment. No matter how you feel about a piece or a performance, acknowledge it. Just clear your mind and focus on the person and the compliment. Let it go Remember that performance you totally bombed in? Remember that piece you didn't give enough attention to? Oh, that opportunity you missed because you had another commitment? Remember that person that made you feel you weren't good enough? LET IT GO. Holding on to things like this takes so much away, it eats at the passion and your surety as a musician. Letting go will reverse all that. Make the Choice: You must consciously choose to stop telling the story over and over and reliving the negative situation. Let go of what hurt you, hold on to what it taught you. Find an outlet for the hurt. Journal about it, and talk about it. Explore why you're hurt, frustrated or angry, then explore what you have learned, and what you will do with what you’ve learned. Forgive (yourself and others) Forgiving others is a way of tangibly letting something go. It’s also a way of empathizing with the other person and trying to see things from their point of view. Forgive yourself allows you to stop beating yourself up. You give yourself permission to move on and redirect your energy and focus. Celebrate When working as a musician we can easily forget we are loved, appreciated, and needed. In the midst of the grit of music, it's important to take a moment, a few hours, or a day to celebrate how far you have come and what you have yet to conquer. Share your skill Offering your newfound skill is another way of celebrating yourself. Help out another musician who can benefit from what you learned, while the experience is still fresh. Give Credit Where It’s Due: give credit to anyone that has helped you acquire your skill. Express Gratitude: when “bragging” tell people how grateful you are for the opportunity you had and the support you have. Brag Give Credit Where It’s Due: give credit to anyone that has helped you acquire your skill. Express Gratitude: when “bragging” tell people how grateful you are for the opportunity you had and the support you have. Relax You have been working intensely take a moment to breathe. You should give your body a break, maybe get a massage. You can definitely celebrate yourself quietly as long as you celebrate. Quietly Journal about it. Go for a walk and digest what you have accomplished. Printable Guide Candace Lark Musician, Coach, Educator Learn More ⬅ Join the group

The Happy Musician Coaching It's a misconception that being a musician and assertiveness go hand and hand. I Can understand people thinking that surely selecting an instrument that you will play in front of people over and over again, requires a high degree of assertiveness right? No, that's confidence. (and another blog) What Is Assertiveness? Being assertive means having the ability to confidently communicate what you want or need while also respecting the needs of others I believe that musicians have different levels of assertiveness that can fluctuate depending on the situation and environment. I was not an assertive musician, in fact, it took me getting angry to be assertive. (ugh, so exhausting) I don't recommend it. I did eventually learn to be assertive in a healthy way. I learned to ASK QUESTIONS. It's scary asking questions but nine times out of ten everyone is thinking it, so I swallow my nervousness, and think about the potential consequences of not asking. and just ask. I ask myself: What is needed? Is this the best course of action? Is this going to get the result I need? I ask others: What is the plan? What is the intended result? Can you help me better understand? I learned to MAKE FRIENDS WITH NO. saying no is like learning music, the more you practice saying no the easier it gets. One of the biggest factors that led to my burnout was the fear of saying no. It's important to push through that uncomfortable feeling that hits when we should say no. If you can't say no try "let me think about" "I'll get back to you" or "I want to say yes, but I don't think I can" then prepare yourself to say no. I learned to SEE IT THEIR WAY. Important components of assertiveness are empathy and respect for others' opinions. Showing empathy and respect is a great way to be assertive. people feel heard and are more likely to respect your needs and opinions. Assertiveness, like music, requires practice. Practicing assertiveness will make you a happier musician. "To be passive is to let others decide for you. To be aggressive is to decide for others. To be assertive is to decide for yourself. And to trust that there is enough, that you are enough." - Edith Eva Eger Candace Lark Musician, Coach, Educator Learn More ⬅ Join the group

The Happy Musician Coaching Here's a Shortlist of what I learned after music school. Playing for free is not healthy for you, or the music industry. Yeah. yeah. I've talked about this before. I'm not saying never play for free. But, when you can't fulfill your basic human needs it's extremely difficult to flourish as a musician. playing for free is a fast track to burnout. When you play for free, it devalues the industry, and you cheat yourself. You are telling people it's not a respected profession. and that you don't need money to pay for the investment in your career. believe me, YOU NEED THE MONEY, and YOU DESERVE THE MONEY. What's going to feel better? Doing what you love and being able to support yourself financially? Or doing what you love, and having a negative bank account every time the bills are due? Downtime is necessary and productive Just like in any other profession, You need downtime. Schedule it daily weekly, monthly, and yearly. Downtime is the absence of responsibility and deadlines. Being "on" nonstop can cause long-term damage to the body, making it difficult to cope with stress and the rigors of being a musician. From walking the dog, and doing yoga to going to a secluded getaway. Your creativity and music skills will thank you for it. You don't have to be a teacher Many musicians offer private lessons as a way to make money as they cultivate their music careers. I love teaching, but it is a huge investment, mentally and physically. I remember barely making it to gigs or performances because I was exhausted. or chugging coffee to stay alert in music lessons. Just because you're a great musician doesn't mean you will be a great teacher. If you don't want to teach at all, don't. Make a plan to be the musician you want to be and take action. You need a Life Coach In music school, you have a lot of accountability and deadlines. Once you are out of school it's up to you to create goals and deadlines. Coaches help you realize your life goals and partner with you to create a path to success. Coaches help you figure out where to begin, and move through fear and limiting beliefs. Coaches also help your passion for music alive. Coaches help you identify your strengths and weaknesses and give you the tools to work with both. Being a great Musician isn't enough Homing your music skills is important. You need to have good customer relations skills as well. If you're memorable, easy to work with, professional, and flexible but not a pushover, fellow musicians will remember this. When I need to hire musicians, the first thing I think about is their non-musical contributions. If they're difficult to work with I won't hire them. Make time to build relationships, not just network. Attending festivals and conferences is a great way to network and build relationships. Identify the people you to be with and be genuine. Having a supportive group of close musicians is a great investment. Candace Lark Musician, Coach, Educator Learn More ⬅ Join the group

The Happy Musician Coaching One thing about musicians is that we all have a story. It almost seems like a prerequisite to being a musician. I've learned that no matter how sad, bad, or crazy our story is there are hidden gifts of growth. Here are some ways you can recognize those gifts of growth. Remember your story, is yours. If you spend time comparing your story to others, it will be very hard to see what you have gained from it. Accept responsibility for the part you played. When you accept responsibility it allows you to be open and vulnerable. When you are open and vulnerable you see things more clearly. Forgive yourself. forgiving of one's self allows you to forgive others. Forgive yourself for the negative part you played in your story., so you can ditch bitterness, and reap the benefits of what you learned. Your story is not over. You can have a happy ending! Take stock of the skills you have acquired, (believe me there is at least one). Think about how they are helping you now and what can you do to build on them. No matter what your story is, there is something to be gained. Sometimes we have to inspire and encourage ourselves, through our personal narrative. And we start with what we know. - Deborah L. Parker, For People of Strength, Soul, and Spirit: Seven Guidelines for Life & Career Success Candace Lark Musician, Coach, Educator Learn More ⬅ Join the group

The Happy Musician Coaching In the last blog (Four types of shame) I discussed the types of shame that musicians deal with and how they may originate. Shame from rejection Shame from Exposure Shame of Failure Shame of Exclusion I want to talk about what feeds toxic shame and what to do about it. Before I dive in, I think it's important to reiterate that shame is never going away, shame is built in. Toxic shame is what we need to work on. First, let's acquaint ourselves with what shame is. Shame is an intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed, and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection. Most shame thrives on silence. Musicians don't talk about shame a lot, some may be completely unaware that the feeling they are grappling with is shame. Funny, we seem to have no problem admitting we're perfectionists. Yet we stay silent about the shame of not being perfect. For many of us musicians, toxic shame is an integral part of our musical upbringing. Musicians don't grow in toxic shame, we either shrink into nothing or implode. "Shame loves secrecy. The most dangerous thing to do after a shaming experience is hide or bury our story. When we bury our story, the shame metastasizes." I dealt with toxic shame and it didn't lose its power over me until I acknowledged it, talked about it, and dug into its origins. Yet, I didn't feel truly free of toxic shame until I talked about it with other musicians. When fellow musicians empathized with me I didn't feel alone, I started to feel like I belonged. Discussing my shame made me realize that hiding did not protect me from feeling that pain, it actually stunted my musical growth and fueled my shame. I use to hide from shame by being super busy, I would be so busy that I couldn't feel or connect with musicians. So, how do musicians recognize and combat toxic shame? Physically and literally recognize shame: actually, give it a name and think deeply about why you feel shame. Try to remember what fear and experience are fueling the shame. Don't try to shake it off and pretend you're not feeling it. Confront it. I suggest journaling about it. Give your shame a reality check. Is what's fueling the shame realistic? This is called Critical awareness is an active, persistent, and careful consideration of a belief or information related to grounds that support it or not. Reach out and talk about it. This can be scary, but it's necessary to combat toxic shame. Communicating with musicians who can empathize is key. Empathy is the opposite of shame. Here are some toxic shame origins rejection from a certain music school taking second or third in competition instead of first. comparing your level of music development to others. not having enough money to buy or maintain an instrument. not having support or family friends think “it's just a hobby” feeling like you let down people close to you holding yourself to an impossible standard or perfectionism. being bullied into being paid less than you should. fear of a bad review another musician shaming you. This list could be longer, but you get the point. Musicians need to be empathetic and seek out musicians that empathize. Toxic shame is social, it's what we think others think about us. Squashing toxic shame requires that we are kind and forgiving to ourselves, so we can be that towards others That is how we squash toxic shame Are you dealing with toxic shame? How do you think it's holding back? Candace Lark Musician, Coach, Educator Learn More Registration for this month's class is open! Topic: Acceptance - how it fuels your growth, and why it doesn't mean settling, ⬅ Join The Group

The Happy Musician Coaching I believe toxic shame is more debilitating than fear. If you think about it we can even be ashamed of our fear. Unlike fear, shame can hide and become buried so deep we don't realize what we may be feeling is shame. We all experience shame. Shame is biological, it keeps us from straying too far from social norms. We experience shame as a disciplinary tool early in our lives, and it works. When my parents would say to me "I'm not angry, just disappointed" oh my goodness, shame would wrap around me like a sub-zero sleeping bag. I would almost beg for punishment. That type of shame was to help me be a good human being. That shame was fueled by my parent's love. It wasn't toxic, it made me want to be better and do better and not disappoint my parents. Much of the shame that musicians deal with is toxic and even debilitating. We tend to deal with 4 types of shame. These types of shame can direct our choice of music, performance level, and interactions or avoidance of fellow musicians. The first type is Shame from rejection: this type of shame usually happens after a negative experience with a teacher, fellow musician, and/or a musician they idolized. Musicians who felt rejected and/or have had their beliefs feelings and values rejected, tend to carry this shame. Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough The second is Shame from Exposure: If you've been called out for making a mistake in front of a group, asked to perform in front of someone or a group when you're clearly not ready, results in exposure shame. Even finding out that a particular person(s) was listening intently while you were practicing results in this type of shame. The Shame of Failure is the Third: I don't know a musician who hasn't experienced this. Shame from failure shows up when we feel as though we have failed. It might be losing a competition, missed recognition, not being accepted into a music program or school. This type of shame is also fueled by the feeling that we failed our support system. This seems to be the most widespread shame. The Fourth is Shame of Exclusion: This one is pretty simple, but also pretty devastating. it's a feeling that we don't belong or we're not liked. This type of shame may be triggered by being fired or replaced in the place you have made your musical home. Interestingly, shame of exclusion is also fueled by fear. Musicians who may not have had these experiences still deal with this type of shame. Almost all shame is rooted in childhood experiences, yet it can follow us around as if just happened yesterday. Thriving musicians still have bouts of shame but they have learned to deal with and understand it. We cant get rid of shame but we can learn to recognize toxic shame and work through it. In the next blogs, I will share how to recognize toxic shame and give you tools to cope and thrive. Have you experienced any of the 4 types of shame, how has this shame affected your music life? Candace Lark Musician, Coach, Educator Learn More ⬅ Join The Group

The Happy Musician Coaching 3 ways to be a Musicians Musician Collaborating with other musicians is one of the best ways to grow musically and create momentum in your music career. Simply spending time with like-minded people on the same journey is also refreshing. I went through a period in my music journey when I avoided other musicians like the plague. I would use my harp as an excuse not to "hang out" or participate. (it's too much to move, I can't leave it in the car, etc.) After a while, I noticed musicians didn't make an effort to get to know me (well duh). I was so wrapped up in my own insecurities, and fear of failure, I turned musicians off. I was sending out a vibe, and it wasn't a good one. After realizing this I set out to change it. It wasn't a fast process, but I learned three important ways to get over myself and open up. 1.) Get Out of Your Head: being a musician is about making music, learning something new, being reminded of something old, and being open-minded and accepting of the present. Whether you are playing in an orchestra or an impromptu jam session, don't allow yourself to be consumed by insecurities and baggage. Everyone has the same insecurities, focus on doing your best and enjoying yourself. 2.) Don't be a Debbi Downer: Don't minimize your skills, or degrade yourself. If someone pays you a compliment. Take it. Even if you don't feel you deserve it. Follow the rule If you can't say something nice don't say it at all, not even about yourself. When you speak negatively about yourself it sucks the air out of the space and quickly exhausts fellow musicians. Most musicians enjoy the company of people that love music just like them. Don't allow your insecurities to make you a killjoy. 3.) Curiosity Over Fear: You don't have to play 20 questions. But let your natural curiosity take the front seat. Fear can make you seem unapproachable. Listen to what's going on around you, stay present. If you don't know something, it's ok. It's also ok to say I want to know. Suddenly you've opened yourself up to learn something and connect with other musicians. Being a musician is such a unique undertaking, it triggers an almost immediate comradery, no matter what instrument or level of musician we encounter. Sadly there are musicians that attempt to make others feel small. Know this, those are not Musicians you want to connect with. Musicians that do this (no matter how successful they are) do this because they are grappling with their own insecurities. One of the reasons I love teaching is, I get to learn so much from students and cultivate wonderful connections. Every musician no matter where they are on their musical journey has something to share with another musician. Candace Lark Musician, Coach, Educator Learn More Join The Group

The Happy Musician Coaching Five Ways to Recognize Positive People in Your Life The title of this blog is how to recognize positive people. I really want to say beneficial people, but aren't positive people beneficial? Positive in this blog relative to you. Positive doesn't mean they are always happy go lucky and looking on the bright side. Positive People mean having these people in your life enriches it. These people encourage you to love yourself, yet make you want to be a better you just by their presence. Having the ability to recognize positive people in your life is as important as recognizing negative people in your life. It helps us prioritize how to invest in relationships, and allows us to be proactive in our mental and emotional health. 1.) If you know someone that can compartmentalize well, meaning they have the ability to isolate emotions, think logically and practically. For example; If you just had a heated argument with someone and you have a performance to do together; they have the ability to step on stage, focus on the performance, and work well with you. 2.) Positive people reap the benefits of their gratitude. Look for people in your life who are truly grateful and the universe seems to reward them over and over for it. They don't have conditions for their happiness. They are flexible in their approach to life, yet still, hold themselves to a standard. 3.) Look for people that seem to have no fear. Positive people may be afraid but fear of failure is not a deterrent. They recognize that failure is a chance to learn and do it again better. Look for the people in your life that define resilience. 4.) I know we all have encountered and have the person who seems a breeze to talk to. Positive people are great conversationalists. They are not directed by ego. They thrive on creative informative conversation. Which means they are a good listener. It is also quite difficult to trigger or goad positive people into negative and heated exchanges. 5.) Look for the people in your life that have a small group of close friends. Positive people limit interactions with those who are toxic in any manner. They protect themselves from mental exhaustion, they relish their alone time. Many positive people are mistaken as introverts. How about you? How many of these 5 traits of positive people do you personally find in yourself? These are 5 general traits, but there may be traits more personal to you that link you with positive people in your life. Take time to recognize and cultivate the relationship with those people Candace Lark Musician, Coach, Educator Learn More Join The Group